Another capsize, sand blasted nap

September 27th, Day 106

I feel like a different paddler now. It’s hard to explain but it feels like there’s this looming fear over me. I had a hard day trying to get back on the water. Jackie’s husband drove me early to the pier just around the corner from the stretch of cliffs I was meant to do. The weather still means I won’t be able to do that section for a bit but I can move down towards Belmullet and Achill with the northerly winds. I got to the pier at dark we unloaded my things and the boat and then I was alone. In the wind and cold, I was wearing all of my layers and still cold. As I stood there looking out at the water, and now free to have my emotions out loud now that I’m alone I started to hyperventilate and feel scared again. I’ve never had that reaction before, and felt panic radiate through my body. I think it will take quite a lot of processing to reduce the fear and image of the surging wave to go away. It took me hours to slowly pack the boat and overcome my fear to get back on the water. Had some good phone calls with people who care about me. When I was finally able to get on, I could feel really how windy it was and was pushed fast towards the mouth of Belmullet channel. I watched breaking waves come into the mouth and picked my line carefully yet the surfing waves were coming from the back and side of me and I looked behind me just to see a big surf wave about to crash behind me. I saw the image of the wave again in my head. It caught the back of me and I surfed hard for a couple of seconds before another one coming broadsided that had bounced off the other side of the channel and met in the middle at me and sent me over. This time I was able to roll and let out an audible “yes” to myself. I couldn’t help but feel uneasy at another capsize so soon and paddled fast and hard to stay ahead of the next surfing wave, and was breathing short and fast. I got out of the turbulent zone and tried to calm down, paddling with such strong wind behind me I was moving fast. I felt proud that I was able to roll. After about 10 minutes of fast downwind paddling I came across a bit of a sand flat and wanted to see on the map where it should let me by if it showed me. It was only then that I realized, I wasn’t in Belmullet channel at all. When I looked across from the pier I just assumed that was the start to the channel and looking at my charts just went with it. I felt a pang of stupidity cross over me and had the thought that my decision making is hindered right now.

I turned back only again the wind was so high and building that I couldn’t paddle against it really at all, let alone without swell. I can't paddle agaisnt a force 6 for long. It took a long time to get to the sandy side on the other side of the channel and then I couldn’t even paddle at all, so I got out of the boat, short clipped it to myself and pulled it along in the water as I stayed close to skirt the edge and kept pulling the boat back up the river. I was breathing heavily stepping through seaweed and stumbling on rocks to get there. By the time I got back to the mouth of the channel I thought well that’s probably me for the day. Literally didn’t really go anywhere which I’m not happy about. The fatigue set back in, this time probably influenced emotionally as well. I decided to try and find a wind protected spot for my tent in the dunes which felt pretty difficult to do, I was being sand blasted by the wind anywhere I went so I knew I wouldn’t be able to set up my tent just yet. All I could manage was a hypo wrap nap and drank a meal replacement shake, got out my tent and sleeping bag and made a wrap out if myself to enclose me so I could be warm and semi protected and take a nap. Woke up and the wind had dropped enough to put up my tent. Jackie said she had a friend nearby that could collect me but I was already situated and just wanted to be alone. It gets harder and harder for me to have small talk every other day about this trip and sometimes would rather just be on my own.